• My girlfriend said she was embarrassed to be seen with me. And that all her friends were going to think she was dating a recluse.

• My mom got 3 phone calls from an aunt, a cousin and a friend asking if I’d died, 16 texts from family and friends asking if I’d suffered a mental health or life crisis, and 1 call from her brother asking if I’d been disappeared by the NSA.

• 4 friends texted me about dropping from “the book,” which led to great exchanges about life and online identity.

• I became an enigma, appearing in photos with family and friends, but as the only one who couldn’t be tagged. Hence, couldn’t be researched or online stalked. People would ask, “who is that guy in your photo?! He’s not on Facebook?” Some wondered if I were a ghost.

• I walked around in the Spring sunshine, taking in the moment.

• At hour 327, my mom posted, “Hello concerned family and Facebook friends. I want you all to know that Jedediah is just fine. He’s in good spirits and healthy as well. He decided he didn’t want a Facebook account anymore. He said ‘the app is intrusive, kitschy, and the design reducing everyone’s identity to a single boring monolith. I’m choosing not to be a digital cookie cut-out on Facebook anymore.’ Jedediah’s father would have supported this I’m sure. And as long as he is happy and safe I do as well. If you want to know how he’s doing you can stop by this Sunday. We’re having brunch.”

• 2 friends unfriended me in real life, claiming I was “paranoid” and cutting myself off from normal society. One said, “If you don’t trust Facebook, I don’t trust you.”

• My girlfriend dumped me. But we got back together after arguing a lot. She has confessed that in many ways she hates the app too. But feels enormous pressure to be on it.

• I’d been aggravated by FB for years, but what pushed me to my decision were 2 things:

1) https://thebaffler.com/salvos/404-page-not-found-wagner

2) 65% of my “friend suggestions” were for pages to Eastern European escort girls. Another 25% were for people from my past who I wanted nothing to do with ever again.

Now. On hour 438. I’m feeling pretty good. In control. Not coerced or smushed into an identity and set of social relations I never wanted. I’m eating a bowl of cereal. Surfing the web. Not seeing what my friends are posting on FB.

And America. I’m doing just fine.