The time is now. Now, America. Now.

We need a third party. Everybody says it. Talks about it. We all know how to save the world. Each of us. If everybody else would only listen.

Well. I’m listening. I’m Jedediah Smudge. I’m running for you. Running fast. Running hard. I don’t know what year I’m going to actually put myself on the ballot. But it’ll be soon. Alright?

I know things are urgent. Well. I don’t believe they actually are. The first premise of my campaign is, it’s not that urgent. I mean, it’s urgent, but it’s not going to be solved anytime soon. So yes, I appreciate and respect my fellow members of Congress who believe they are going to change problems that have existed for 70,000 years in the next election. I know. It might happen. But I’m taking the longer term view.

My campaign doesn’t yet have a name. Help me generate one. The Long Term Campaign. Nobody for Congress. I’ll be batting these around with you, my listeners and cheering supporters.

But I’m going to use this platform, and this patient outlook I have, to develop the ideas that eventually are going to win America back to being patient (see: tolerant) again. I’m going to criticize the morally superior. I don’t like them much. I’m going to ridicule racists and ignorants. Don’t like them much either, but, I’m more sympathetic to them than to the morally superior. I mean it’s a tough call but in this day and age I’d rather spend a day with an ignorant blue collar American than a morally righteous one. And I’m called a liberal by my conservative coworkers. So. Yeah.

But one thing I declare. Today. Right now. At this the launching of the Jedediah Smudge Campaign for a wholly reformed and re-envisioned spirit of America, I declare that I have no party, yet, but, that the morally outraged should form a new party. Let’s ween the morally superior amongst the Republicans and Democrats, let’s separate them out and put them together. The Moral Party. And although the leftists and rightists in that new assemblage will chafe at each other on particulars, the more important unifier they’ll share is their moral superiority over the rest of the American people. And that, for me, is important. You’re either morally superior, and therefore need to be outraged all the time. Or, you’re morally like everyone else, and are just trying to get by and make humanity better whatever little way you can. I, once I decide on my party name and platform name, will be in the latter camp. You can rest assured of that. And my enemies, my rivals, my opposition who will dog me to the end of the dogtrack, shall be the morally superior.

I will use the wrong words. I will make bad jokes. I will display my ignorance of America, by America, to America. I will cajole, gaffe, brandish, and obsequify. No one shall outdo me on campaign gaffes and whoopsies. In other words, I’m gunna be just like you. Flawed, ignorant, insecure, inadequate, inestimable, wronged, offensive, defensive, reactionary, underinformed, but, America, ready to put on my pants suit one leg at a time and take this misguided and hazily focused beam of light to the aisles full of chairs we call Congress.

Thank you.

Jedediah Smudge